As I shared in my last article, I started going to therapy in 2020. One of the first topics my therapist and I discussed was, “who am I?” I thought it was a weird question and, without thinking, I started to rattle off all the things I’ve done recently…
After a long pause I realized these things aren’t who I am but rather what I have done or learned. Growing up I was focused on hoarding accolades, and over time it became second nature. When I answered the question ‘how are you doing?’, I always shared my latest achievement. Afterwards, I felt validated because people thought I was interesting and lauded my accomplishments.
My brain was wired to focus only on what I had achieved, as that led to praise and validation. The emotions and hardships that came before the achievements were irrelevant to me, and I pushed them away. In fact, even if I was not particularly interested in something I had accomplished, as long as I was getting praised I didn’t care!
Others saw me through the lenses of the perfect life that I was sharing with them. In reality, I was hiding that I was tired, unhappy, stressed and lonely. I was keeping people at arm’s length by talking only about what could get me accolades. I was protecting myself because, from what I experienced, people liked that I was accomplished. In my mind, no one wanted to hear that I had feelings, struggles and internal strife.
After this conversation with my therapist, I knew it was time to stop sharing the resume version of my life with people, but I didn’t know what else to say. I had never thought about how else to define myself before. It was hard to differentiate who I am from what I do. We live in a society where everyone is judged by their rankings, social media likes and the things they own.
I had to question my motivation for each of my achievements. In the process, I uncovered pain and heartache that came from stress and failure, which I had pushed aside for years. At first it was overwhelming and everyday I questioned myself: am I doing x or y because I truly want to, or am I only doing it because it will lead to more validation?
It is hard to differentiate who I am from what I do, but slowly I have gotten better at it.
I am not perfect and that is okay. There is no such thing as a perfect human. Consciously making the decision to share how I feel, what I am thinking , and what I am afraid of, I believe makes me a truer version of myself. The truer me cares about what I want, regardless of whether it will bring me validation from others.
I am still working on understanding who I am, but everyday I am more honest with myself and so everyday I get one step closer. When someone asks me how I am doing, I do not just share the latest project I completed. I think about what is on my mind, why it is on my mind, and how I feel about it. Then I share the parts that I want to share, but I do not hide behind my successes because it is lonely and it is not me.
I challenge you to try switching up the way you respond to ‘how are you?’ Think a little harder about the way you start a conversation with a friend. I found it worth sharing who I am because it meant I was being more true to myself. And I’m starting to like me, this truer me :)
